I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize