woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
