I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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