I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
