There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
please come you make the beer taste better
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
