Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize