They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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