Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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