i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
