i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
