Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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