True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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