I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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