I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
