So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
