That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
