Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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