what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
