I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
