..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
