dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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