Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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