take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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