Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
