my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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