The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
