who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize