I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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