walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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