I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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