mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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