So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
