Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
