Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
it's like iHOP with fire
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
