I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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