I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
