I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
