the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
