you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
