why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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