I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
