hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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