Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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