I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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