I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
