Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
