His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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