Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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