I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
