What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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