I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
