I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
