so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
