shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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