Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
