Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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