halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm both gender and math confused
that is very illegal...i love you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
