I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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