I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
