I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
