I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
