he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
